You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The beer is more important than you right now.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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