I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
