i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
