Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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