Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
