a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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