you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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