Little spoons don't ask big questions
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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