You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
tell me about the fingering
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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