Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
