After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
