my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My vagina is very pro this idea
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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