a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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