I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
