Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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