i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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