My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
