I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
