i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
