im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
