Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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