So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
