I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The air taste purple.
Randomize
