Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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