I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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