he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize