someone threw a dead crab at me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
