Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
