I cannot find my penis.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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