she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
