You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
