I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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