I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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