so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
