when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
