she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
