So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
