I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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