I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
