Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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