im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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