I want to stick my p in your. b.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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