i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
