So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
