Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
