Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize