somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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