Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The air was thick with penises
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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