We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
