Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize