Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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