i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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