i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize