So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
