You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
