i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We smell like vodka and hangover
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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