I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
