you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
