Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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