Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize