Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
