I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
