Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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