he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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