Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
